I just want a hug. In all honesty, the single greatest desire that I have is not to be successful, extremely wealthy, or beautiful in every shape and form. My greatest desire is to be held in someone's arms and simply know that I am in the place that I belong. A home.

During stressful situations, I imagine that someone is pulling my head to his chest and letting me cry into his shirt and it really does make me cry. I'm not sure why I cry -- from longing for it to be true or from knowing the reality amidst the imagining -- but the strain on my heart eases up some. I do something like this at night too. I have a problem with not being able to fall asleep easily -- the only time I ever fall asleep right away is if I'm exhausted to the point where I actually forget to breathe if I don't consciously remind myself every once in a while. If I have been laying in my bed for a long time, I resort to laying on my left side, curling up my legs ever so slightly, and wrapping my comforter tightly around my body. Then, I lace my fingers together, pretending that someone is laying next to me, pressed to my back, with his feet below mine and his right arm over me holding hands with my left hand. Is this crazy? Does it show signs of loneliness? Perhaps. But it gets me though the nights and the occasional days.

I love the touch of other people. Petting someone's hair, holding hands, being held. And the reasons always change. Today, I love making contact with other people because it means that they're real. That they're alive. That I'm not all alone and the world around me is entirely due to my imagination. Other days, I touch other people because I'm attracted to the warmth that I see in them. I'm strange. I know.

The real reason why I desire for human contact is that I rarely receive any. My family never shows me affection, or apologizes to me, or seem to forgive me for making mistakes. It's difficult. This is precisely why I have always hated summer vacation. In place of turning to my family for human contact (or lack of, in this case), I would depend on my friends at school. However, during summer vacation, I am cut off from all of my friends because most of them are boys and I can't be seen with them or else someone from church will see me and associate me with my parents and therefore, I become a slutty little girl who shames her parents or some nonsensical reason like that. I don't know. Bottom line: throughout the entire summer, I have only gone out TWICE. I can't wait until classes start. I can't wait until I finally move out of this cold and empty house. And I can't wait until I start seeing people and be able to reassure myself that the world is real.



On another note.

I hope that you miss me sometimes. Because that would mean that I didn't break up our friendship for nothing. But that is selfish. So I don't hope that you miss me. Which only pains me and makes everything that I've done in vain. But at least you're still happy.


Enough crap for today. I'm starving.
-Lucy

You know, I've always had a secret dream of becoming a bartender for a short amount of time. During college or something. Who knows? Maybe it'll happen and I'll be known as the cute asian bartender who hits on all the cuties in the house. :)